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"forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night."

"Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat."

"TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!"

"there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it."

"he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles"

" you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster."

"hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight."

"I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you."

"The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume."

"(781):

when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
(781):

then i met college
"

"from now on my penis is your penis"

"No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer."

"I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters"

"I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight"

"On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?"

"I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high."

"FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket."

"I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her."

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